Soccer – The Most Important of Life’s Unimportant Things

June 12, 2007


by @ 12:21 am.
Filed under Major League Soccer

From: D. Garber

To: All players

RE: Mr. Beckham

As you know, Mr. Beckham will be playing in Major Leauge Soccer sometime this summer, for an unspecified number of games, if he is free. Having a player of this stature is an honor and privilege for all of us, and is something we should not take lightly. We will all have to act responsibly to ensure that Mr. Beckham’s time in the League is pleasant, safe, and successful.

In that spirit, I am announcing several new rules, to be observed in any game involving Mr. Beckham, and, in the event of breach of said rules, the corresponding, non-appealable, immediate, and irreversible suspensions:

Failing to yield to Mr. Beckham on a 50-50 ball: 1 game

Recklessly blocking a Mr. Beckham free kick or cross: 2 games.

Giving Mr. Beckham a dirty look: 2 games.

Speaking to Mr. Beckham without having been spoken to first: 3 games.

Being fouled by Mr. Beckham: 1 game.

Failing to say “thank you” after being fouled by Mr. Beckham: 2 games.

Making any disparaging remarks about Her Highness the Queen during the run of play: 1 game.

“Nutmegging” Mr. Beckham: 5 games

Referring to Mrs. Beckham as “Baby”, “Scary”, “Sporty”, “Ginger” or “Morrisey” during the run of play: 5 games.

Making fun of Mr. Beckham’s haircut during the run of play: 10 games.

Goalkeepers Only:

Handling any ball last touched by Mr. Beckham: Immediate expulsion from Major League Soccer.

Galaxy Players Only:

Implying, stating, or in any way, either publicly, privately, or in one’s personal thoughts advancing the opinion that Mr. Beckham’s play is either not up to standards, or is lacking in some aspect: 10 Games.

Implyng, stating, or in any way communicating to Mr. Beckham during the run of play that he should be coming back to play defense: 10 games.

Gentlemen, I’m sure you’ll all agree that these rules are fair, and that they are promulgated in the best interests of American Soccer. I know if we all enthusiastically embrace Mr. Beckham and these minute changes in the rules necessitated by his presence, we will all, in the end, be better off.


enclosure: illustrated version of rules, for posting in all MLS locker rooms

4 Responses to “BECKHAM RULES MEMO”

  1. Daily Dose 06.12.07 - World Football - The Offside - Soccer News and Opinion from leagues around the world Says:

    [...] The Beckham Rules (Footballs are Round) [...]

  2. Another “I Wish I’d Written That” Post on Beckham - Player News - The Offside - LA Galaxy Soccer Blog MLS Says:

    [...] I have NO time to write today, so instead I’ll just link you to yet another post I wish I’d written, “The Beckham Rules” from Footballs are Round. It includes all the new rules that will take effect once Beckham takes the pitch in July. [...]

  3. Redfred Says:

    If people start yielding 50/50 balls to Beckham then there is going to be a lot of just hanging around because unless the ball is at least 95% his he is not going to give it a second look.

  4. Micheal Says:

    My favorite flavor is cola.

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